What do they call the
chief of police in Opp, Alabama? He’s
the Topp Opp Copp.
Did you know Opp,
Alabama is the telemarketing capital of the world? Opperators
are standing by.
I’ve got a million of them.
It all began years ago when Janice and I started vacationing
with friends on the Florida panhandle.
Our route south would take us through the heart of Opp, Alabama,
which for me became the Pun Capital of World.
Every trip through going south and north produced some real winners or
stinkers, depending on your point of view.
Did you hear about the
musical at Opp High? It’s an opperetta.
I love puns and always have.
As a kid my favorite jokes were usually plays on words. Like the crusty sailor, years at sea, who
fell from the crow’s nest to the deck.
When his mates gathered round he said, “I’m okay--I’m used to hard-ships.” I loved that one.
Some people view puns as a lower art form, but that’s misguided. Shakespeare liked a good pun. So did Jonathan Swift and Ben Franklin. In our modern age, many pundits are paid lots
of money to comment on the issues of the day.
So when my family and friends wince and groan at my wordplay, I remain happy
and optimistic. The pun’ll come out
tomorrow.
A killjoy neurologist from Germany named Hermann Oppenheim
decided that incessant punning must be a disease, so he came up with a medical
term--Witzelsucht. It’s derived from the German
words for wisecrack and addiction. I’m offended by this. I think Hermann should have kept his witzel shut.
By the way, I hear
pharmaceutical marketers are working on a new campaign for Witzelsucht: if your
predilection lasts longer than four hours, see your doctor.
Puns are good for you. Punning requires a decent vocabulary, some
mental gymnastics and then the courage to articulate your creations before an
uncertain audience. Will they giggle or
boo? We have nothing to fear but jeer
itself.
Which brings me back to southern Alabama and my annual ritual of texting Opp jokes to my children.
Why are residents of Opp so misunderstood? They’re a little opptuse.
Did you read about the Opp police raid on a gang of car thieves? The newspaper headline was Opp Copps Stopp
Chopp Shopp.
Usually the reply texts come
back about with comments like, “that’s terrible,” or “Dad, please STOPP!” But I
won’t stop. Witzelsucht compels me.
The Osset tribe traveled the nation looking for a homeland. Everywhere they wandered the locals hated
them and drove them away. It was a sad
life for the Ossets. Then one fortunate
day the Ossets wandered into Opp, Alabama, where the locals loved them and
invited them to stay. They became the
town’s most popular residents.
Why? Well, everyone knows that Opp
Ossets attract.
While my children, intelligent
and responsible adults that they are, regularly bemoan my punny nature, something
wonderful has grown out of it. When they travel through Opp, headed to the
beach with their own children, they send me their Opp jokes. I love it.
My hope is my children will continue to do so
long after I’m gone, that they will embarrass their own children, and then their
children embarrass their children, and so on into Stiles-family lore.
Who knows? The Opp joke could be my opportunity for legacy.
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